I took the shell off my racing snail thinking it would make him go faster. But instead he’s more sluggish.
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Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary? It runs in your jeans.
Happy Father’s Day!
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Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system yet? When they checked the reviews it only had 1 star.
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We had just rented the new Aladdin film and was taking it home. My son asked us what’s Aladdin? I said it’s when you want to get something done around the house but you don’t have time, you get a lad in. The mrs put me in the sin bin for that one.
The joke might make more sense with an English accent, I don’t know
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What’s the number one font in lawless towns?
Sans Sheriff.
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I’ve got a side buisness testing drills.
Bit trying at times.
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What kind of luggage does a vulture use?
Carrion bags.
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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Have I ever told you about that time I was captured by mimes?
They did unspeakable things to me.
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I don’t know how it’s been where you are, but it’s really cold here lately, so I bought a space heater. My wife hated it at first, but she’s warmed up to it.
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I think I might need some help with this new recipe app I’m trying to login to. I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.
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I’m still having trouble with that app. I tried making my password fortnite, but apparently it’s two week.
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After a friend from work passed away, I went up to his widow at the funeral and asked if I could have a quick word with the congregation. She agreed, so I went up to the podium and said, “Plethora” and walked away.
She came up to me afterwards and said “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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I saw my neighbor outside this morning and she told me someone broke into her house last night and stole all of her lamps. I was shocked, but she wasn’t really angry, she was delighted.
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A friend of mine went to the pet store the other day and saw they had a talking centipede for sale. The pet store owner told him it was a new thing, a bio-engineered pet, and that he’d already sold four of the first five he’d received. The price was pretty steep–$500. But my friend was curious, so he bought it and took it home in a small box. After about a half hour, he hadn’t heard a word out of this centipede, so he opened the box and asked, “Would you like to go get some groceries with me?” The centipede moved around a little, but it didn’t answer. So, raising his voice, my friend repeated the question. Still, no reply. At this, my friend began feeling a little angry, realizing that he’d been tricked. He shouted the question loudly once more. This time, the centipede stuck its head out of the box and said, " I heard you the first time–I’m putting my shoes on."
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If you wondered what Dr. Pepper is a doctor of, now you know: he’s a fizz-ician.
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