My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.
A grasshopper walks into a bar, says “Hey, give me a Bud Light.”
The bartender says “Hey, buddy, why would you want a Bud Light when we have a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper says “Really? You have a drink named Irving?”
I got fired from Pepsi today. I tested positive for Coke.
That’s soda pressing.
That’s how eye roll.
I hate elevators. I’ve started taking steps to avoid them.
I just realized that I showed bad form above.
A dad joke (I’m finding out through the wonders of the internet) is typically a one-liner. It is not a narrative. So … I suck.
Man, what did we do before the internet? SRSLY.
I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in roman numerals.
I M LIVID
I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.
It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.
I feel bad because I am an actual dad and don’t really know any of these. Just a small handful of longer jokes and a plethora of sarcastic quips.
I’m not even a Dad, I just know a lot of Dad jokes.
Man for a non-native speaker some of this ones are a bit of a pain…I needed at least 10 seconds to comprehend this masterpiece… (I blame the weather… 29°C and the “summer” hasn’t really started yet ;-/ )
Yeah, puns in particular are very dependent on knowing the right way to say something to catch when someone’s playing around with the structure.
My wife told me to stop quoting Oasis lyrics. I said maybe.
Edited to add: I used to be into agricultural machinery but now I just blow hot air. Yeah, I’m an ex tractor-fan.
Someone asked me if I got a hair cut. No, I said, I got them all cut.
My dad always said the funeral parlor down the street was popular; people were just dying to get in there.
Awesome…how do people even come up with that stuff?
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time consuming.
My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
What do you do with a dog with no legs?
Take it for a drag…