Stately Joking: Official Dad Joke Thread


#1

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.


#2

I have a fear of speed bumps, but I am slowly getting over it.


#3

A grasshopper walks into a bar, says “Hey, give me a Bud Light.”

The bartender says “Hey, buddy, why would you want a Bud Light when we have a drink named after you?”

The grasshopper says “Really? You have a drink named Irving?”


#4

I got fired from Pepsi today. I tested positive for Coke.


#5

That’s soda pressing.


#6

Dad Jokes.

That’s how eye roll.


#7

I hate elevators. I’ve started taking steps to avoid them.


#8

I just realized that I showed bad form above.

A dad joke (I’m finding out through the wonders of the internet) is typically a one-liner. It is not a narrative. So … I suck.

Man, what did we do before the internet? SRSLY.


#9

I can’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 in roman numerals.

I M LIVID


#10

I can cut a piece of wood just by looking at it.

It’s true. I saw it with my own eyes.


#11

I feel bad because I am an actual dad and don’t really know any of these. Just a small handful of longer jokes and a plethora of sarcastic quips.


#12

I’m not even a Dad, I just know a lot of Dad jokes.


#13

Man for a non-native speaker some of this ones are a bit of a pain…I needed at least 10 seconds to comprehend this masterpiece… (I blame the weather… 29°C and the “summer” hasn’t really started yet ;-/ )


#14

Yeah, puns in particular are very dependent on knowing the right way to say something to catch when someone’s playing around with the structure.


#15

My wife told me to stop quoting Oasis lyrics. I said maybe.

Edited to add: I used to be into agricultural machinery but now I just blow hot air. Yeah, I’m an ex tractor-fan.


#16

Someone asked me if I got a hair cut. No, I said, I got them all cut.


#17

My dad always said the funeral parlor down the street was popular; people were just dying to get in there.


#18

Awesome…how do people even come up with that stuff?

cough
Have you ever tried to eat a clock? Its very time consuming.
cough


#19

My 3 favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.


#20

What do you do with a dog with no legs?

Take it for a drag…