Went for a job interview today, at IKEA. The manager said, “Come in, make a seat.”
Happy Father’s Day!
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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
“Get in the Batmobile.”
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What did one wall say to the other?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
I ate a clock once for dinner…
it was very time-consuming.
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My cousin’s husband ran a comic shop in West Virginia called Highlander Comics. He was never able to franchise it, though. Apparently there could be only one.
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The first rule of passive aggressive club is… You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.
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The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank.
I have no words to describe how angry I am.
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It’s going to sound weird, but I had that same thing happen once with a dictionary.
I was going to try to return it, but the experience left me speechless.
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Reminds me of the defective calendar I had to return. Apparently the company had some issues with lazy employees and it led to them taking a couple days off.
Good news is those bum calendarmakers got canned. After those mistakes, they knew their days were numbered.
I may have screwed up some of these calendar-related jokes. Sorry if they were a little week.
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I just started the whiskey diet. I’ve already lost 3 days!
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How do you think the unthinkable?
With an ithberg…
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Why did Will use an open hand? Because paper always beats Rock.
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My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Happy Father’s Day!
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(Stolen from Twitter)
I’ve invented a telepathic air freshener. It makes scents when you think about it.
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A Mexican magician promised he would disappear on the count of three. With the audience in rapt attention he began to count…
Uno!
Dos!
POOF he was gone!
He had vanished without a tres.
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I was just hospitalized for a peekaboo accident. They put me in the ICU.
Happy Father’s Day!
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I’m trying to write a joke about people who don’t exercise but none of them are working out.
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I actually know of a great exercise for people who don’t like to work out. They are called diddly-squats.
