What kind of luggage does a vulture use?
Carrion bags.
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My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
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Have I ever told you about that time I was captured by mimes?
They did unspeakable things to me.
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I don’t know how it’s been where you are, but it’s really cold here lately, so I bought a space heater. My wife hated it at first, but she’s warmed up to it.
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I think I might need some help with this new recipe app I’m trying to login to. I want my password to be BeefStew, but the app keeps telling me it’s not stroganoff.
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My wife is furious at our next door neighbor who sunbathes topless in her backyard. Personally, I’m on the fence.
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I’m still having trouble with that app. I tried making my password fortnite, but apparently it’s two week.
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After a friend from work passed away, I went up to his widow at the funeral and asked if I could have a quick word with the congregation. She agreed, so I went up to the podium and said, “Plethora” and walked away.
She came up to me afterwards and said “Thank you. That means a lot.”
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I saw my neighbor outside this morning and she told me someone broke into her house last night and stole all of her lamps. I was shocked, but she wasn’t really angry, she was delighted.
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A friend of mine went to the pet store the other day and saw they had a talking centipede for sale. The pet store owner told him it was a new thing, a bio-engineered pet, and that he’d already sold four of the first five he’d received. The price was pretty steep–$500. But my friend was curious, so he bought it and took it home in a small box. After about a half hour, he hadn’t heard a word out of this centipede, so he opened the box and asked, “Would you like to go get some groceries with me?” The centipede moved around a little, but it didn’t answer. So, raising his voice, my friend repeated the question. Still, no reply. At this, my friend began feeling a little angry, realizing that he’d been tricked. He shouted the question loudly once more. This time, the centipede stuck its head out of the box and said, " I heard you the first time–I’m putting my shoes on."
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If you wondered what Dr. Pepper is a doctor of, now you know: he’s a fizz-ician.
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True story from this morning. While walking with my 8yo daughter we were talking about all of the different types of birds that were out and we could see, and that we did not know what any of them were, other than different from each other.
Daughter: I don’t know any bird types or bird calls. I should learn about birds.
Me: I know a bird call.
Daughter: Really?
Me: (shouting) HEY BIRDS!
Daughter: That was the worst dad joke ever
(10 seconds pass)
Daughter: Ok, that was actually pretty funny
Me: Yes!
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Went for a job interview today, at IKEA. The manager said, “Come in, make a seat.”
Happy Father’s Day!
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What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile?
“Get in the Batmobile.”
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What did one wall say to the other?
I’ll meet you at the corner.
I ate a clock once for dinner…
it was very time-consuming.
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My cousin’s husband ran a comic shop in West Virginia called Highlander Comics. He was never able to franchise it, though. Apparently there could be only one.
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The first rule of passive aggressive club is… You know what, nevermind. It’s fine.
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