In which I take inspiration from Psalm 94:11

#1

I was recently introduced to Psalm 94:11: “The LORD knows all human plans; he knows that they are vanity.” That fits the story of woe I’m about to tell better than “The best-laid plans o’ mice and men gang aft agley”, due to the failure of my plan to be all that well-laid.

The Setup
I have several 4" diameter metal posts in my basement, which I’ve just done a sort of half-assed refinishing job on. The final improvement I planned to do before my Thanksgiving guests arrive was to wrap them in pole wrap (also known as column wrap), because one of them was particularly ugly, with unsightly and rough surface rust on the bottom.

After buying the pole wrap and cutting it to length, I realize the rust had caused the pole to increase in diameter enough that the pole wrap wouldn’t seat nicely, so I tried to file it away. That didn’t get me very far, so I started chipping it away with a brick hammer. That worked great until I broke about a 2.5" diameter hole in the side of the (apparently hollow) pole (which holds up the beam which holds up my house).

The Problem
I understand some hollow metal poles are filled with concrete, and it occurred to me that, if I could just fill in the bottom of the pole up to a level at which I put in some cross-pieces for it to sit on, I wouldn’t need to worry about the structural integrity of the corroded part of the pole itself, because the sound part would be sitting on concrete. Trouble is, I needed to get concrete inside the pole without putting any holes in it which weren’t to be filled by the concrete, and it was really hard to bore any holes at all. So my plan was to put in two strong bolts through holes in the sides, and fill up concrete to that height, but the only hole large enough to get concrete in through had to be below the level of the bolts, in the corroded section.

The Solution
I came up with a brilliant plan: fill a plastic bag with concrete, put it in the hole, and then lift it above the height of the bolts. Insert the bolts to hold it up, then fill most of the rest of the hole, closing it as needed with tape. At the very end, use a sharp hook to tear open the bag and then shove in as much concrete as possible before finally taping the hole shut. In this way, a column of concrete tall enough to reach the bolts would be in place, and all would be well.

No
Plastic bags aren’t that strong. I tore it open almost instantly, and just made a mess.

#2

I lol’d at this. Nice to know I’m not the only one with grand plans that more often than not go awry. Remind me to tell you the story of the badly installed door jamb and self expanding foam one day… only a slightly better story than the one where I try to run new ducting in my former condo and maybe or maybe not fall through the kitchen ceiling,

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#3

Self expanding foam seems virtually intended to cause first-time users to do hilarious things.

But I have a new plan! It involves knocking out the pole entirely (hoping that the house won’t fall in a few minutes, which hope I feel moderately justified in having because the existing pole is so weak it’s hard to imagine it doing anything TOO crucial), and replacing it ASAP with one I can buy at the hardware store. I did this already in another area of the basement and it worked fine, but there I was able to put up the new post next to the old one. This time, having just redone the floor, I’d really like it to be in exactly the same spot.

The funnier part, though, is that I also have to take the old 4" pole and slice it into two reasonably sound sections and slide them over the new pole, because the new one will be less than 4". It can’t be in a single section, because I need access to the holes for the bolts which make it adjustable. But, because of those bolts, I can’t just wrap the new pole the way I would have the old one. So in order to use the pole wrap I have, I need to use sections of the old pole to give it the right diameter post to adhere to.

Even better, I was wondering what I should use between the outside of the new pole and the inside of the old one. You may have just persuaded me to try self expanding foam. What could possibly go wrong?

#4

Famous last words! I’m not sure I’m picturing it right though - why not just replace the existing 4" with another 4" pole?

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#5

http://www.newsweek.com/intrepid-man-rides-bike-through-mysterious-foam-blob-santa-clara-california-522937

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#6

Are you getting ready for Festivus before Thanksgiving is even through?

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#7

R.i.P in peace Kelsey

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#8

Well, I’m sure there’s somewhere I could find one, but the local big-box hardware stores don’t seem to be in that set. They just sell these adjustable-height ones. Which is great, most of the time–they’re easy to use, and seem effective. They just don’t have the constant width which would let me make the two poles look the same (because of the bolts and the fact that they’re two pieces which telescope, so they aren’t the same width).